The Silent Game
by Satine89
Summary: Peter, Joe, Quagmire, CLeveland, and Brian have to be silent for an undetermined amount of time to win 50 from Stewie. Can they do it? Worse yet, can they be themselves while being silent? T for language and sexual jokes.
1. Chapter 1

**The Silent Game**

**Prologue (or why this story is entitled The Silent Game)**

As is most often with the case of the Griffin family of Quahog, Rhode Island, their house was full of friends. And as is most often the case with the Griffin family, the men were drinking booze, the women were talking about their feelings, and Stewie was trying to impose his wrath on the other children with somewhat mixed results – although the methods he came up with were definitely surprising and different.

It was one of those kinds of days at the Griffin's house today. The women (and Meg, who had the day off) had gone out to see an Ashton Kutcher vehicle of some sort (never mind the fact that he can't act for bird crap), Chris and everyone else's kids were at school, and the men were drinking and talking.

"I bet that they're showing Married With Children on TV right now," the Griffin patriarch, Peter, cried, half-drunk.

"I'd bet two bucks that it's not," another half-drunk person, the womanizer Glen Quagmire, yelled.

"Oh come on Quagmire," a paraplegic (and fellow half-drunk) Joe Swanson sighed. "Married With Children is ALWAYS on."

"I don't like that show," a black man named Cleveland Brown complained, taking a gulp of beer.

"Why does it even matter if Married With Children is on, anyway?" Brian, the Griffin family's dog, asked. "I bet that Peter couldn't go for more than a day without talking about TV – better yet, I bet he can't go a day without turning on the TV."

"Oh yeah?" Quagmire slurred, even more drunk than before. "I bet that you can't go for more than a day without having a martini!"

Brian sipped at the martini in his right paw. "Sure I can't."

"Quagmire, I bet that you would die if you couldn't talk to women all day!" Cleveland accused.

"I bet that you couldn't not sound like a dope for more than a day," Joe Swanson told Cleveland.

"I bet you couldn't last a day without your wheelchair!" Peter squealed at Joe.

Everyone stared at him blankly before the alcohol quickly erased the incident from memory.

"I bet you couldn't not drink for a week!"

"I bet you couldn't not have sex for a week!"

"I bet you couldn't not read Forbes magazine for a week!"

"I bet you couldn't not use the TV Guide Channel for a month!"

At this point, you may have realized that everyone had forgotten about Stewie. Not that Stewie cared – he was relishing the independence he had been given. Rather, this stupid, out-betting game was getting on his last nerve, and that nerve had a few frays in it.

Stewie finally walked over to the boy's table, pulling a bullhorn from his pocket. With one loud honk, he had gotten everyone's attention easily.

"I have an idea," Stewie offered. "How about all of you play The Silent Game?"

"Sex?" Quagmire asked off-handedly.

"No, you womanizing imbecile, The Silent Game!" Stewie yelled. "The game where everyone is completely silent. If you break that rule, you are out and you don't get a chance to receive the prize… there will be a prize for the winner, but I don't have any money… oh shame…"

Joe pulled out his wallet. "What if we all buy in for ten bucks, and the winner of The Silent Game gets all the money?"

Stewie smirked. Jackpot. "All right, sounds fair enough… so, there's fifty dollars in the pot… or there will be when you all get your money out."

They did. Everyone wanted to prove their friends wrong when it came to things like this. Fifty dollars in assorted bills (or, in Peter's case, seven ones, two Sacajawea dollar coins, two quarters, three dimes, two nickels, and ten pennies) was soon lying on the table.

Stewie looked at the money, and then at everyone else.

"All right… The Silent Game starts…"

"Wait," Peter said, raising his hand. "Can we talk?"

"No," Brian answered for Stewie, saving Peter a serious tongue lashing from the infant.

"Okay… no more talking… starting… NOW!"

A/N: I know this sounds really screwball. That's because it is. No character development, no real items of importance – just lots of humiliation and (I hope) humor. There's also to be many stupid references, just like in the normal show… in case you must know, this is my second Family Guy story (my first is The Chocolate Girl).

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy. But it would be nice to own it…


	2. One

The Silent Game 

**One (or why no one was asked about the movie)**

"We're home!" Lois called two hours later as she and her friends entered the front door. No one answered her. Meg peeked into the house from her perch behind Loretta Brown.

"Well, they're all inside the house," Meg noted.

And she was right. Brian, Cleveland, Joe, Peter, and Quagmire were all playing Pick Up Sticks on the floor, not saying a word. Peter took a stick from the top of the pile, and none of them moved. He made a sighing motion, but no noise was heard from him. Stewie watched them intently, clutching Rupert the teddy bear with a bit more malevolence than usual.

"Are they all okay in there?" Bonnie Swanson asked, clutching pregnant belly. She moved next to Meg, where she saw Quagmire attempt to take a stick, but the pile collapsed onto his lap. Quagmire slapped his forehead while Cleveland made laughing movements. Again, no sound was exchanged.

Lois charged into the house, stepping in front of the Pick Up Sticks. She looked down on every one of the men.

"Okay, what's going on?"

Brian took a sip of his martini, again refraining from saying anything. Peter shrugged, Cleveland was tight lipped, Joe attempted to wheel away before his wife stopped him, and Quagmire couldn't have said anything even if he wanted to, because at the moment he was getting a nice long look up Lois' shirt.

"Why are you not speaking?"

_I want the money, _Peter thought.

_I have to win, _Joe thought.

_Nothing to say, _Cleveland realized.

_I'm a dog, _Brian thought. _I'm not really supposed to talk, but I can…_

_…Wow, _Quagmire thought.

Lois stepped away and turned on the television. Immediately she found the channel she was looking for – MTV, or, as most people now call it, the Reality-TV-Nudity-and-Spring-Break-Madness-Special-Channel. She saw that they were – gasp – showing a music video with plentiful sensuous dancing, as required by MTV regulations.

As the sounds of 'Milkshake' filtered through the speakers, the boys turned from their game of Pick Up Sticks and listened to the song.

_Don't ask what it is! _Peter thought desperately.

_I HATE this song, _Brian thought spitefully.

_Damn! It's the Pick Up Chicks Song! _Quagmire thought, a sweat drop rolling down his forehead.

_I think I've heard this song before, _Joe realized. _I THINK…_

_Whose turn is it? _Cleveland asked himself, still focusing on the game of Pick Up Sticks.

Stewie smiled. He knew that someone would be compelled to sing along. Perhaps Lois wasn't completely useless. A vixen, yes. Useless, not at the moment. That meant Lois lived for a few more minutes than Stewie anticipated.

Stewie could already see Quagmire sweating. The guy was so predictable. Of course, he was also outrageously vulgar, and Stewie hadn't put that into the mix of things.

Quagmire stood up and left the room, presumably to go to the bathroom. Stewie watched him closely, trying to figure out what tricks he had up his sleeve.

Lois raised an eyebrow. "Do you guys think he looked okay?"

The boys nodded, again making no noise.

Bonnie was tired of this. She leaned her face in close to Joe. "All right, what is going on?"

Joe gave Bonnie the V for Victory symbol. Bonnie narrowed her eyes in confusion.

"Two words?" Bonnie asked.

Joe nodded, and then went straight into the charade.

He put his finger up in the air.

"First word," Bonnie nodded.

He put his finger to his lips and mimicked shushing someone.

"Uh… quiet!" Bonnie yelled. "Mute! Hush! Shush!"

Lois got into the act. "Calm! Is it calm down?"

At this point, Loretta decided to join. "Silent!"

Joe nodded fervently before he put up the V for Victory sign again.

"Second word," Meg said. She had decided to join.

Joe mimicked moving a game piece around a board. The girls all cocked their heads, utterly lost. Joe made the motion again.

"Um… mixing!" Lois yelled.

"Sprinkling!"

"Mowing the lawn!"

"Playing guitar!"

Joe gave the universal 'keep going' sign.

"Wait…" Lois realized. "Playing… playing… something…"

"Playing cards?" Meg asked.

"Not even close…" Stewie told them. But no one listened.

"Playing craps?" Lois asked.

"Maybe in their pants…"

"Playing Russian Roulette?" Loretta offered.

"They can't be playing Russian Roulette, Peter'd be dead by now,"

"Playing spin the bottle?" Meg offered.

"Nice," Stewie commented. "But completely off topic."

"Playing a board game?" Bonnie suggested.

Joe made a motion as to say, "You're so close!"  
"Silent… board?" Lois said, cocking her head in confusion.

"Silent game!" Meg yelled. "Silent Game! You're playing the Silent Game!"

"That's disgusting," Loretta frowned. Lois frowned.

"Not THAT Silent Game," Lois sighed. "You know, the one where everyone is silent and the person who's quiet the longest wins."

Stewie looked around. "Currently, five people are… wait. Hasn't Quagmire been in the crapper for about five minutes? Geez…"

Stewie toddled off to the bathroom, forgetting completely about Quagmire's nature…

Stewie opened the bathroom door.

"What the hell are you doing! This is a freaking bathroom -! Holy shit, what the -!"

A/N: Oh boy, this story has absolutely no plot, doesn't it? Well, quite a few reviewer friends told me that screwball comedy is what I do best… and it looks like I'm trying to outdo myself… but this is better than some of my other stuff… but this also pushes the envelope more than any other story I've done… but I find it funny… Oh Lord my head hurts… just ignore this rant. (Peter: What the hell does rant mean?)

A/N 2: Ha ha… in the crapper… whenever someone says that I crack up for ten minutes…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy or MTV or any other aforementioned products.


	3. Two

The Silent Game 

**Two (or why you should never cross Stewie)**

An hour later, Stewie was curled up in a corner.

"Oh Lord… oh Lord… what… oh Lord… I'm never going near a bathroom again… he's next to die, I swear…"

Whereas Joe, Quagmire, Peter, Brian, and Cleveland were still at the Griffin's house. (The girls were talking about their feelings.) Suddenly, the door burst open, and Chris walked in.

"Hello!" Chris yelled before he saw Stewie in the fetal position. Chris kneeled down to Stewie's level and tried to help him.

"Turn away from the light," Chris kept repeating over and over. "Turn away from the light, Stewie… how about some ice cream, buddy?"

Stewie shuttered.

"Maybe I should get Mom…"

Stewie shivered even more violently.

"Or not…"

Meanwhile, Peter, Joe, and Brian were watching television. (Cleveland was following Quagmire to make sure that he didn't get giggidy with anyone – and to make sure that he didn't talk.) Brian had the television on Perfect Crimes, to watch some educational – yet interesting - programming.

"The mystery of the Zodiac Killer was still on everyone's mind, especially with the release of the ciphers to the newspapers around the country. Marine cryptographers were brought in – to no avail…"

Peter narrowed his eyes, desperately trying to focus. This murder mystery was failing to interest him at all (come on! There wasn't any gore at all!), and Brian had the clicker.

Peter tapped Brian on the shoulder and pointed to the remote. Brian held up his martini in confusion. Peter shook his head and pointed at the remote seated squarely near Brian's rump. Peter did NOT want to put his hand so close to anyone's arse.

Brian now mistook Peter's pointing for pointing at his ass. Brian glared at Peter and slapped him. Peter shook his head yet again and pointed in the same direction. Brian stood up, thinking Peter wanted his seat. Peter smiled and took the remote and changed the channel to Fox.

"Up next is 'I Wanna Be a Trashy Pop Star for Fifteen Minutes of Tabloid Fame'!" the TV announcer cried happily.

Peter threw his hands up in the air.

_Yee-haw! _Peter thought. _Mindless TV!_

_Oh Lord, _Brian sighed in his mind. _Reality TV crap._

-

Stewie, in his advanced state of being frightened, disgusted, and/or shocked out of his mind, allowed Chris to drag Stewie over to Lois.

"Chris, what's wrong with Stewie?" Lois asked in amazement, seeing her usually withdrawn, somewhat normal (hah… if only she knew) son not even speaking.

"I was at the mall for an hour," Chris countered angrily. "I needed to buy a rubber bracelet."

Chris held up his arm to reveal a red rubber bracelet reading "Opera Rocks".

"Chris, I asked about Stewie," Lois reminded him.

"Oh, I just found him like that," Chris explained. "You know, curled up in a ball and barely speaking."

"Maybe he needs his diaper changed," Lois offered.

"But wouldn't Stewie say, 'I have a gift for you and it's not a toaster' if he needed his diaper changed?" Chris asked.

"I suppose so…" Lois frowned. Stewie looked rather harrowing, with his eyes all closed up and his teddy bear clutched in the crook of both arms.

Quagmire walked in at that moment, followed by Cleveland, who was holding a stuffed Plank doll in his hand to make sure Quagmire didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to (like sleep with his wife again).

Quagmire pointed to Stewie.

"I think he might have indigestion… or the flu…" Lois explained.

"Or maybe an alien is going to burst out of his stomach," Chris thought aloud.

Stewie opened an eye and got a good look at Quagmire. Stewie opened his other eye and grit his teeth furiously. In a swift motion, Stewie kicked Quagmire in the balls and jumped out of Lois' arms. Quagmire fell to the ground, obviously in enormous pain.

"Stewie!" Lois yelled.

Chris, not quite understanding what had just happened, clapped enthusiastically.

"That's for masturbating in our bathroom, you sick little moo cow!" Stewie yelled at the top of his lungs.

"What?" Lois said stupidly.

"All right!" Chris yelled, still quite a bit out of the loop.

Quagmire raised himself from off the ground and hobbled off, in obvious pain.

"Yeah, that's right!" Stewie yelled. "I'm going to be scarred for life because of you, you slimy, deranged, sick bastard!"

Lois looked down at Stewie. "Someone looks a little cranky."

Stewie narrowed his eyes. "Bite me, bitch!"

Stewie toddled away, fuming angrily and rather loudly, dragging his teddy bear behind him. Chris was still whooping in excitement, not understanding what just happened in the slightest.

Of course, because Stewie is Stewie, Lois didn't realize that he had just deeply insulted her and didn't take his words with a grain of salt.

As Stewie walked away, his frown grew even more pronounced.

"And he didn't even say a word…"

-

Brian was the only one who paid any attention to Stewie's crazed outburst.

_Oh my God, _Brian thought in shock. _Did he just say what I thought he said?_

Brian burst into the bathroom to see Stewie scrubbing every bare inch of it. Brian attempted to step inside.

"NO!" Stewie yelled. "Get out of here! You're making it filthy again! The germs are getting everywhere!"

Stewie resumed scrubbing the toilet.

Brian forgot completely about the game for a second. "Did he really…?"

Stewie frowned. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Brian stared at Stewie, and Stewie stared at Brian before Stewie cackled.

"You're OUT! You LOST!"

Stewie dragged Brian out into the living room, where Peter was attempting to ask Quagmire why he was sitting on two pillows without talking.

"Brian LOST!" Stewie yelled before running back into the besmirched bathroom.

Brian sighed. "Well… crap."

A/N: I have to admit, THIS is my favorite chapter. Maybe it's because of Brian and Peter's charade play. Maybe it's Stewie's revenge, or Chris' little dialogue with Stewie, or the rubber bracelet. I don't know, but usually I don't laugh at my own writing – and I did during this chapter. So here you go.

A/N 2: To all of my reviewers, thank you for sticking with a relative unknown in the Family Guy genre. You guys are freaking sweet.

A/N 3: Quail Man, since your email didn't show up, I must say I deny your request solely on principle. I have only let one person take my story – and she only took it because she didn't have a floppy drive. So, I apologize and thank you for thinking my story that good.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy or any of the things I referenced (Ed Edd n Eddy, Perfect Crimes, etc.). I DO own a Plank doll, but you get my point.


	4. Three

The Silent Game 

**Three (or how to play two games at once)**

Brian was out. It was down to four people: Peter Griffin, who was better at Charades than anyone really expected; Glen Quagmire, who couldn't have said much even if he wanted to, thanks to Stewie and his toddler size four shoe; Cleveland Brown, who was more interested in making sure everyone else was quiet; and Joe Swanson, who was so compelled to win that he barely moved.

Meg, at this moment, pulled out a board game – Monopoly Sailor Moon edition – and walked in front of the television. Meg wasn't interested in making the guys talk; rather, none of the girls wanted to play Sailor Moon Monopoly and Brian nearly decapitated the Sailor Mercury mover after losing the game one time. (And those were collectible pewter movers, too!)

"Do you guys want to play Monopoly?" Meg asked.

Joe nodded. His hands were falling asleep.

Peter nodded. He enjoyed Monopoly – it was so easy for him to spend real money, so fake money was even EASIER to spend.

Cleveland nodded. He liked Monopoly.

Quagmire nodded. He liked _Meg_.

(Simply because she was female and human. Hey, this guy isn't hard to figure out, all right? What was that about continuity? Oh go away. Since when did we care about continuity? Stupid analysts.)

All four of them moved to where Meg was setting up the game. "Okay, does anyone care if I'm Sailor Mini Moon?"

Meg put the pewter Mini Moon figure on the Go space. Meg looked up. Peter had shrugged; Joe was trying to choose between Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Pluto; Quagmire shook his head very slowly (guess what he's doing); and Cleveland shrugged as well.

A few minutes later, Quagmire had picked the Sailor Uranus figure, Peter had chosen Sailor Jupiter, Cleveland was Sailor Venus, and Joe was Sailor Pluto.

Brian scooted up to the game. "Oh, this game. Isn't this the one with the stupid income tax?"

"All Monopoly games have an income tax space," Stewie said, now coming over to watch. "If only one could have unlimited access to the Chance cards."

"Like you tried to do while playing Monopoly last time?" Brian asked.

_Stewie picked up the Chance cards and threw down the go directly to jail card in front of Lois._

_"Go to jail you skeez!" Stewie had yelled before turning to Chris, who had the most property – and many hotels._

_"Hah! Pay $40 dollars for each house, $200 for each hotel!" _

"Hey, one can try," Stewie retorted.

"Indeed," Brian agreed sarcastically.

Meg handed the two crystal-colored dice over to Peter. "Roll to see who goes first."

Peter rolled the dice, getting a two. Peter mimicked a sigh, passing the dice to which he thought was Quagmire, but was really Cleveland.

Peter cocked his head. _Where'd Quagmire go?_

(Quagmire had opted to sit next to Meg.)

Cleveland rolled an eight, Joe rolled a nine, Quagmire rolled an eleven, and Meg rolled a two.

"Okay, we're going counterclockwise from Quagmire," Meg explained, passing the dice to Quagmire. "You go first."

Quagmire, after getting over the fact that Meg was the only girl playing, rolled the dice. He got a three, landing on one of the two cheapest properties in the game: Watch Communicator, 60 yen, and a purple property.

Quagmire sent three twenty-yen bills over to Joe (who was the only one determined trustworthy enough to hold the money) and was given a property card for Watch Communicator by Peter (who was the only one determined stupid enough to be able to botch up counting money).

The game went on in similar fashion. Meg was often left to explain what certain things were (like a Rainbow Crystal, or the Crystal Bell), but even so, she hung in there with a few good properties, a monopoly (the three pink properties: the Kisenian blossom, the Snow Queen Kaguya meteor crystal, and the Dream Coffin), and a decent sum of money. She was probably in third place. Peter had a hodgepodge of different properties (including the cheap Transformation Pen, the second purple property, and the very expensive blue property, Silver Imperial Crystal) and some money, Joe was winning with the green (Jupiter Crystal, Oak Branch, and Jupiter Roses) and red (Mars Crystal, Phobos and Deimos Crystal, and Mars Arrow) monopolies, and Quagmire had all of the transportation spaces (the Moon-cycle, Sailor Planet Power, Sailor Teleport, and the Prayer Tower). Cleveland was barely hanging on with just two properties and about 150 yen. (He had been sent to jail five times, landed on Income Tax twice, landed on luxury tax three times, and had to pay Quagmire 200 yen for his transportation fee three times. Needless to say, Cleveland had only been to Go once the entire game.)

Brian mixed himself another martini and sat with Stewie, watching.

"Why did they make a Sailor Moon Monopoly, do you wonder?" Brian asked Stewie as Cleveland landed on Joe's green monopoly with two houses on each space.

"Why did they make a Simpsons Clue?" Stewie retorted. "It's all about mass marketing."

"I'd say more, but I'd have the censors on my ass," Brian sighed.

"As always."

"As always."

Cleveland got wiped out by Joe and went back to sitting on the couch. Not one person had broken the silent rule for the entire game, but, as Stewie observed, Joe was getting very close to celebrating his victory, and Peter was very close to breaking into a form of musical number about this board game, as he often did at times.

Meg was totally oblivious to the fact that Quagmire was practically drooling, waiting for her to let her guard down long enough to get her into his arms. She was, in fact, reading aloud a chance card she got stating that she had won a beauty contest and had gotten 10 yen. (Whoop-de-doo.) Joe handed Meg a 10-yen bill, and the dice were passed to Quagmire, who desperately tried not to linger on touching Meg's hands so much. He wasn't so good at holding this in.

"Quagmire looks slightly… agitated," Brian noticed.

Stewie raised an eyebrow. "Agitated? The guy's completely red and sweaty."

"Do you think he's going to lose…?"  
"More than likely."

Brian paused. "Do you really care about who wins, Stewie?"

"Not in the slightest," Stewie smirked evilly. "Leave the idiots to their own precariously faulted designs."

Brian shook his head. Stewie just wanted to keep the cash to finance some off-color experiment that would just as soon fail as every other venture he'd tried.

A four. Quagmire moved his Sailor Scout slowly, because his vulgarities were overcoming him in a wave. He couldn't be silent. He forgot all about Monopoly – and about the other players - for the fraction of a second that his brain told him to act.

Quagmire touched Meg's hand lightly, almost unconsciously.

Peter, Joe, Cleveland, Meg, Brian, and Stewie all looked at the flustered ladies' man simultaneously, each with a different expression of dull misunderstanding on their face (save Brian and Stewie, who were shocked, and Meg, who was infuriated).

Meg whacked Quagmire over the head with the instruction manual for the game, storming off without a word.

Stewie stared at Quagmire for a very long while.

"Do you think he wants…?"

"I don't want to think about it," Brian interrupted. "Not at all."

Joe looked at the game board for a second. Quagmire looked at his hands, as if they were the devil itself. Then that emotion went away in two seconds.

Brian looked at the game. "I guess they're done playing Monopoly…"

A/N: Why did I stick this chapter in here, you ask? Well, if you remember the episode 'Petarded', you remember that everyone on Spooner Street quite enjoys playing games. And I wanted to write a chapter with something completely random like this that allows for a Stewie flashback (something we don't see often enough, even though most of the time they're hilarious, like the one in 'Model Misbehavior' with Brian in drag and Stewie wanting a graham cracker). And, yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story. Who cares, anyway?

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy or Sailor Moon or Monopoly or whatever else is in here.


	5. Four

The Silent Game 

**Four (or why one should never use a love potion)**

Lois heard the doorbell, and before Peter could dash to the door or Chris could answer the telephone mistakenly, she opened it up. A raven-haired, lanky teenage girl with blue dusted eyelids and a Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon tank top waved at Lois.

"Hello, Lois," the girl greeted, waving an arm. Two rubber bracelets and a load of bangles jingled together with the motion.

"Hi, Cassandra," Lois responded. "Come in."

Cassandra walked in, her black skater shoes making soft thuds as she stepped onto the carpeted ground.

Cassie looked into the room and saw that Quagmire, Peter, Joe, and Cleveland were being absolutely silent while watching Ed Edd n Eddy (not the easiest show to sit silent while watching). They were still and they were desperately trying not to laugh.

"What's up with them…?" Cassie asked Lois.

"They're playing the Silent Game," Lois replied.

Cassie looked over the couch. "No they aren't."

"I mean that they're trying to see who can be quietest the longest," Lois corrected, appalled by how many people mistook the Silent Game for something so nasty.

"I knew that," Cassie smirked, blushing slightly. "How long have they been playing?"

"An hour and a half," Bonnie yelled from the other room.

Cassie's jaw dropped. _And I thought they all had short attention spans… What's at stake, then?_

"Is it like a bet or something?" Cassie asked.

"Fifty bucks, I think," Lois answered.

_Oh wow, _Cassie thought. _Throw in a couple of cents and you can buy two professional-grade karaoke CDs. _

Lois smiled at Cassie. "Meg is in her room, in case you're wondering."

Cassie smiled back. "Okay!"

Cassie ran up the stairs and into her best friend's room (Meg's room, in case you're a) thick or b) confused by the last statement, because you are a continuity freak), shutting the door behind her. Lois looked upstairs for a second before retreating back to talk with everyone else.

Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian were sitting next to the stairwell, making sure no one over by the couch was talking. However, Cassie had diverted Stewie's attention completely.

"She's so hot," Stewie sighed.

"Lee Kanker?" Brian asked, focused on Ed Edd n Eddy.

"No, you stupid putz, Cassandra!" Stewie growled menacingly, his face red. Stewie abruptly covered his mouth. "Oops…"

"Oh, so you like Cassie, then," Brian smirked, raising an eyebrow. "So… how long have you wanted to get in her pants?"

"I don't want to get in her pants," Stewie frowned.

"Really now?" Brian taunted. "So why is it that every time she takes her piano lesson from Lois, you sit on the couch, were you have a perfect view of her ass?"

"How do you know about that?" Stewie glowered.

Brian turned around, avoiding Stewie's gaze. "Well… um… ah…"

"Hah!" Stewie cried. "You like Cassandra AND Lois AND Sea Breeze AND Brooke from the Bachelorette AND -!"

"You like Janet AND Cassie AND Jennifer Garner AND all of the Queer Eye guys -!" Brian yelled back.

Stewie slapped Brian. "I liked her first!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Brian asked. A long pause followed.

"Nothing, really," Stewie admitted.

"Yeah, nothing," Brian agreed.

Stewie suddenly jumped up from his seat on the carpet. "All right! We'll make this really simple for you, stupid dog! We'll put a love potion on her eyes!"

"Why her eyes?" Brian asked.

"Because having her drink it wouldn't be the best idea," Stewie conceded. "Remember the time I tried the simulated drunkenness potion on you by slipping it in your martini?"

_Brian took a sip of his martini before smiling widely, as if he was on crack. _

_"Ha ha ha ha ha…!" Brian cackled at the dinner table. "And that's why… that's why I'm a bird…"_

_"I think that you've had a little too much to drink…" Lois noticed._

_"No thanks, Professor, but I will not stop eating until I've had my fill!" Brian cried out._

_"There's no more food left, Brian," Meg noted._

_"Ah, who cares!" Brian cried fairly loudly. "Past the point of no return… no final glances…!"_

_Brian landed headfirst in a plate, conked out._

_Peter stared blankly at him. "Do I… do I rub his nose in it?"_

"No, unfortunately," Brian grumbled. "I was in catatonic for forty-eight hours after that, remember?"  
"That's why we don't put the love potion in her drink," Stewie concluded. "It might be too strong. Plus, putting it in her eyes is so Shakespearean."

"Right," Brian said, pretending he knew WHY it was so Shakespearean.

"Anyway, after we put it in her eyes, all we have to do is wait for her to go after the person she loves the most. Simple."

"Simple."

Stewie retreated into a nearby coat closet, and popped out with the love potion. "Brian, you get a plank of wood."

"Why?"

"Trust me on this one."

-

Cassie was returning from the bathroom, and Stewie decided NOW was the time to act. In a swift motion, he put an ice cube in front of Cassie. She slipped and hit the wooden plank that Brian was holding in front of her face. She was out.

"All right, hurry Stewie," Brian sighed. "I don't want to be around when someone finds her."

"Okay then, you impatient dullard," Stewie muttered back, opening each eye gently and putting a drop or two into each eye. Stewie jumped back after doing so and dashed down the stairs, Brian not far behind.

Brian and Stewie caught their breath at the end of the staircase, looking at the boys. Now Teen Titans was on, and they were still watching it in silence. (Peter, being the idiot that he is, was still trying to hold in laughter from Ed Edd n Eddy.)

"Okay… she should be up in a minute or two…" Stewie gasped in between deep breaths. He was nervous as hell.

Brian looked at Stewie. "Stewie, why do you still have -?"  
Stewie smacked Brian in between the eyes with the wooden plank. He was now unconscious as well. Stewie slipped some of the love potion in Brian's eyes and laughed.

"Gullible oaf," Stewie giggled evilly. "The love potion works on the first person that the victim sees… so I get what I want and you get punished… I honestly hope that you fall in love with Peter, damn dog…"

Stewie laboriously crawled up one step after the next before hearing Lois' voice yell at someone.

"Can someone get me my photo album?" Lois yelled.

Quagmire, being the upstanding gentlemen (cough yeah right cough) that he was, went upstairs to get the photo album, passing Stewie and entering Lois and Peter's room easily. After lingering in the room for a moment, he came out and tripped over Cassie's outstretched arm.

Quagmire fell on the ground and picked himself up quickly. He looked at Cassie.

"Is she all right?" Quagmire asked.

Stewie thought about answering before a wicked grin reached his face.

"YOU LOSE!" Stewie yelled. "YOU LOST THE GAME, QUAGMIRE!"

Quagmire ignored Stewie. "Why is she all splayed on the floor like that…?"

Cassie began to stir as Stewie reached the top of the steps. Stewie immediately saw what was happening and tried to pull Quagmire away by latching on to his leg and yanking as hard as he could. Unfortunately, yanking as hard as Stewie could meant that Quagmire moved a mere centimeter.

Quagmire looked down at Stewie. "What are you doing?"

"You can't be near her!" Stewie yelled, trying to jerk Quagmire away.

Quagmire thought for a second. "Do you think I'm that low?"

"Just trust me on this…!"

Quagmire picked up Stewie and looked into his fiery, seething eyes. Quagmire thought for a second.

"Are you constipated?" Quagmire asked.

"You stupid bastard!" Stewie shrieked. "Just put me down and trust me – you do NOT want to be near her when she wakes up!"  
Quagmire stared at Stewie a bit longer. "How do you know?"  
"Argh!" Stewie cried, irritated and suffering from a terrible migraine. "You know what? We should get help…"

"Help," Quagmire echoed, putting down Stewie. "I get it."

Stewie turned around to start down the stairs. "Yeah. I'll go down ahead of you, okay?"

Quagmire turned around and started to walk when Cassie woke up. Stewie, of course, wasn't expecting her to wake up for another minute or so, thus he implemented the "come on, let's get help" plan.

Cassie sat up and rubbed her head. "Ugh… what happened?"

She saw the ice cube on the floor, melting into nothingness. Cassie could have sworn there was no ice cube there before. Cassie shrugged and looked up. She gasped. The love potion began to take hold. She saw Quagmire and smiled like a lovesick idiot.

At this moment, Quagmire thought he heard something walking. He turned around.

"Oh, you're awake," Quagmire said, devoid of any emotion. "Why'd you lie on the floor like that, though?"

Cassie just blushed and said nothing.

"Um… this is officially very awkward…" Quagmire noticed as he turned to go downstairs. Cassie watched him wordlessly, her face crimson. As she headed back to Meg's room, she sighed.

"Could I have been any more goddamn spastic?"

-

At the time Stewie was at the bottom of the staircase, Brian was rousing himself. When he awoke, the first person he saw was Stewie.

Brian jumped on Stewie and hugged him. Stewie looked back at him.

"Um… hi?" Stewie offered.

"I love you," Brian cried.

Stewie looked at the floor, then at Brian, and then turned back to the floor.

_Stewie slipped some of the love potion in Brian's eyes and laughed._

"Gullible oaf," Stewie giggled evilly. "The love potion works on the first person that the victim sees… so I get what I want and you get punished…"

Stewie's jaw dropped, and the infant howled.

A/N: Yes, Cassie's here too. When I mean the entire gang, I pretty much mean the entire gang. (If you don't know who Cassie is, get all of your character developmental thrills in my other story, "The Chocolate Girl".) And the story is taking an abrupt left turn (or a right turn. Or even a U-turn. Stop asking retarded questions), so I will probably lose readers over it. But I don't care – 19 reviews for four chapters? That's REALLY good for a relatively new author in a certain fandom. (Maybe I just have random fans from my anime fictions following me to the ends of the earth or something…)

A/N 2: In case you cared, Quagmire doesn't sleep with anyone in this story. I have to keep it at T, you know.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy or any of the subjects of the references I made. (I won't tell you what those are so you can have fun finding them.)


	6. Five

The Silent Game 

**Five (or why people really should be voted off this story)**

Now there are three people competing for the top prize of $50. Quagmire and Brian were done, and, frankly, both felt liberated. Well, Brian DID feel liberated, before he had the love potion slammed into him and he fell for Stewie.

Aren't stories funny like that?

Of course, there were other problems. Cassie was head-over-heels for neither Brian nor Stewie, but Quagmire, of all people – her mother's ex-boyfriend. Meg had retreated to her room, not to speak to Quagmire again until the next episode. Lois, Bonnie, and Loretta were STILL talking about their feelings. And Chris was wandering around the house aimlessly, doing absolutely nothing.

Peter, Cleveland, and Joe were now fixated on winning. That meant they wouldn't even MOVE, fearing that they might trip and be compelled to yell out in pain.

In case you're wondering why Joe hasn't been doing much, it's because he hasn't been doing much. He would just sit in his wheelchair, being as silent as possible. Years of stakeout work had granted him the marvelous ability to shut up for hours on end. Cleveland took out all the frustration of not being able to talk on the remote control, changing the channel every few seconds. And Peter was being Peter – at times, he forgot about the money, but then he'd remember it, and be compelled to be even quieter than before.

Bonnie sighed. "It's so nice to be able to sit in peace."

"Yeah, baby," Loretta agreed. "This is the best time I've ever had at this house… besides the time we built that 'Who's the Boss' float."

"I wonder who'll win," Lois thought aloud before blinking. "Hey, wouldn't it be nice if we could vote people out of the house?"

"Hey, yeah…" Loretta mused. "Then I could vote off the dog."

"Why?" Bonnie asked, confused.

"Oh, I don't know… I think it's the way that he's fondling Stewie that's creeping me out."

"What?" Lois said before turning around. Stewie was biting his lip and tears were rolling down his eyes as Brian was rocking him back and forth in his arms.

"Help…" Stewie barely managed to whimper before Brian began to sing. And, Lord, Brian is NOT the best singer after having a martini. That's all I can say.

Lois ran over to take Stewie.

"Brian, give me Stewie!"  
"God no! Just drop me on the floor and leave me there! Don't give me to HER! Or YOU!"

"Oh come on… you're just miserable without someone to love, baby."

"Brian, give him to me NOW!"

"I hate you all…"

-

Joe wheeled back from the fridge with a beer for Cleveland, Peter, and himself. They all chinked the aluminum cans and drank deeply. Peter smiled as Cleveland changed the channel to the news.

Joe stared at the screen for a few seconds before pointing to a picture of an older supermodel with brunette hair strutting down the catwalk in a lavender salsa dress.

Peter shrugged before pointing to a member of the audience who was none other than Ben Stiller.

Cleveland drank from his glass before listening to the news commentary.

"Model Samantha Buchem came out of her short-lived retirement yesterday to do the Parissade fashion show for the world famous designer Viara," Tom Tucker's voice boomed. "Originally from Quahog, Rhode Island, where she currently resides, Samantha retired to spend more time with her two children: Cassandra, born to her from her first husband, and Jean, who was born to her by Ben Affleck. Samantha is currently single, and boy does she look hot in that evening dress…"

Peter pointed to the screen, reacting to what Tom Tucker had said.

Cleveland jumped up and pointed to Meg's room.

Joe nodded his head furiously.

The three of them looked to the TV screen, then to the closed door of Meg's room. Cleveland and Peter began to jump up and down, excited that they knew a model's daughter, and Joe wheeled in circles, his way of showing excitement.

Meanwhile, Quagmire had given Lois the photo album and had gone back to the couch.

"I lost," Quagmire told them before he saw the TV. Samantha was strutting down the catwalk in a new outfit.

"Hey, she has a restraining order against me," Quagmire said.

Cleveland looked from the television to Quagmire, and to Meg's door, and then back to Quagmire.

"What?" Quagmire asked.

Cleveland said nothing, just jerking his head over to Meg's door. Quagmire looked in that general direction.

"Yeah, that's upstairs," Quagmire sighed.

Cleveland shook his head and pointed to Meg's door. Quagmire looked at Meg's door.

"Heh," Quagmire smirked suggestively. "What are you trying to say?"

Cleveland mimicked a sigh and gave up.

-

"Are you all right, Cassie?" Meg asked. Cassie and Meg were sitting on Meg's bed, talking about anything that came to mind, which was what they usually did.

Cassie giggled stupidly. Her face was bright red, and she was becoming slightly crazed. "No, I'm fine. It's just… I didn't realize it before, you know?"

Meg narrowed her eyes. "Cassie… you're seventeen. He's about… twenty something. Hello… wake UP! He's a pervert and an idiot and WHY THE HELL DID YOU DECIDE TO LIKE HIM NOW!"

"I don't know," Cassie admitted. "It was weird, you know… cause, you know I liked your brother for a while…"

Meg's jaw dropped. "You liked my BROTHER?"

"Didn't I tell you that?" Cassie asked. Meg's face was all the response she needed. "Apparently not."

"You can't go dating either of them!" Meg shrieked.

"Why?"

"My brother is crazy! He thinks there's a evil monkey in his closet!" Meg cried.

Cassie nodded, apparently not caring.

"And your mom has a restraining order against Quagmire," Meg reminded Cassie.

Cassie stared at Meg for a few minutes.

"Isn't Quagmire hot?" Cassie asked.

"Ugh!" Meg cried, banging her head against the wall. "Why? Why? Why…? Why…?"

"Why is he hot?" Cassie thought aloud.

"No! Just… oh forget it…" Meg moaned. Cassie blinked, clueless to what Meg was so irritated about.

-

Now the boys were watching The Best Damn Sports Show Period, because they had already watched every channel other than Speedvision, the Anime Network, and IFC, and, frankly, they had no desire to watch two of the three (oh… anime babes, right…). They learned that the Dodgers had suffered another loss, but that the Yanks weren't doing much better (a first), that Puffy Amiyumi was to sing the National Anthem at the All-Star Game, and that the Lakers were going to be sold for the third time this season.

Joe was tired of watching this show, partly because he hated the Lakers AND Puffy Amiyumi, so he tried to convince Peter to change the channel.

Quagmire noticed that Joe was gesturing rather oddly. Quagmire went over to the cooler and came back with a beer.

"Want one?" Quagmire asked.

Joe fumed. He pointed to the remote control that Peter had in his hand.

"Oh. You want to change the channel."

Peter pretended to think about it for a few seconds before Chris came by, took the clicker away from Peter, and changed the TV to Speedvision.

"Speed," Trixie cried in the bad-video-game-esque anime playing. "There's a giant concealed hole in the road ahead of you!"

"Oh no!" Speed Racer cried. "Not a hole! What should I do, Trixie?"

Cleveland banged his head against the wall. After two minutes, Quagmire, Peter, and Joe joined him.

A/N: Sorry about the super-late updates. I thought I was going to retire, but then I realized that it was stupid to retire when I had most of this story done. So I finished it, and I'm gonna post the rest of this, Coming to America, and maybe two other projects. And then I'm outta the game for a bit.

A/N 2: To l, when you gave me your review… um, it wasn't a review. It was a stupid comment. If you're gonna review, give me a review, not something like 'the silent game is gay'. Got it? It's irritating to get reviews that say nothing but 'Update!' or 'good' or 'the silent game is gay'. (sighs) Sorry, I had to vent that out.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy or any other assorted references within this chapter.


	7. Six

The Silent Game 

**Six (or no need for an odd musical interlude)**

Now, to start this off, recall the time that Stewie distracted airline security by singing 'On the Good Ship Lollipop'. Since Stewie is a child, and whenever children sing, it's supposed to be cute, this ruse worked.

Stewie, at the moment, free from Brian and locked securely in his crib with a padlock, a retina scanner, a gel pad, and a security camera, was recalling that moment in half of his brain, trying desperately to get his mind off of all the bedlam he caused. The other half of his brain was focusing on all the bedlam he had caused. Brian was in love with him, Cassie was in love with Quagmire (who, oh yeah, I forgot… is a registered sex offender and a pervert and every other negative adjective you can think of), and only Peter, Joe, and Cleveland remained in the game.

"This is all my fault," Stewie realized. "Well, it's not really my FAULT, I just STARTED it. There's nothing wrong with what happened, I can fix it…"

From down the hall, Stewie heard Meg trying to yell some sense into Cassie.

"Okay, maybe I can't."

Stewie peered over his crib. Brian was standing outside of his door, smirking in mock sexiness. Stewie hid behind his crib again.

"Oh crap," Stewie exclaimed. "What the deuce am I going to do now?"

Stewie narrowed his eyes and figured that MAYBE if he slept on it, he could figure out a solution. So he closed his eyes and drifted off into an empty sleep.

-

Cassie was really walking through a dream. She felt lighter than air (unfortunate side effect of love potion), she was in love (another side effect of love potion), and she was too shy to do a thing about it. Meg finally decided that enough was enough, and dragged Cassie over to the piano, where Lois had given her so many lessons. Cassie blinked.

"I want to hear you play a song, Cassie," Meg smiled falsely. She hoped that Cassie might get over her strange fervor if she was to ease into the hypnotism that overtook her when she played and sang.

Cassie looked at the keys before turning to Meg and nodded. "Can do."

Cassie pulled a piano book from underneath the piano bench and flipped to page 33. The notes, chords, and words for 'Harmonia' looked back at Cassie, signifying their readiness.

Cassie's fingers moved gracefully across the piano. _"Do you feel what I feel…?"_

The song was pretty, and the notes were high, and, as Meg had predicted, music was enveloping Cassie. _"The sky… needs to stay clear and blue forever! The sea needs to be wide and boundless forever! A smile needs to stay on your face forever… or else, or else I will cry!"_

Stewie was awoken by the music. He sat up abruptly, finding that Brian was gone, and had gone to listen to Cassie. Stewie saw this as his chance, and jumped out of his crib, taking his mind control device and a (toy) gun with him just in case some dullard decided to get in his way. There was a lot more at stake than fifty dollars.

The stakes were a teenager's virginity and a dog's lucidity. Tough odds.

Stewie practically bounded down the stairs to hear the flowing, clear, crisp, and melodious voice of Cassandra Buchem. Ignoring every urge his body gave him, he hid behind a banister, watching everyone around Cassie carefully.

_"You don't have to look around anymore… that is just fine with me. Everyone is in my hands tonight… existing just for me!"_

Everyone was kind of listening to Cassie, especially Lois, her teacher, making sure no errors were made in the piano playing. None had occurred so far.

Brian was mildly interested… a far cry from the bawdy lust that the refined dog had possessed earlier. Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire found the song nice and pretty, easy on the ears. Chris was really interested in Speed Racer. Loretta and Bonnie were sniffling, like most mothers do when they hear a really good singer they know. While on a normal day this would make Cassie really irritated, she didn't notice. She only noticed one person, and that person was paying attention to her, and that was all that mattered.

_"If you feel like crying or like running away, just remember the happiness that I taught you… and sing aloud! There is light and darkness, both born at the same time… the two have become one! Harmonia – can't you feel the – telepathy? Do you feel what I feel?"_

The piano silenced. Polite applause followed. Meg sat down next to Cassie.

"That was great," Meg said. "I didn't know that you could play so well!"

"He's clapping for me," Cassie whispered before lolling into a dead faint.

Chris looked over at Cassie. "Wow, you ugly, Meg. Yeah, yeah, you ugly…"

-

Contrary to Chris' opinion, Cassie had fainted in euphoria. Stewie and Meg knew it, but it seemed like everyone else was totally clueless, thinking that she may have exerted herself to the point of exhaustion or something.

Stewie walked over to where Joe, Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Brian were standing around, waiting for some form of explanation. Carefully hiding himself behind the couch, he watched the awkward silence of everyone else.

Joe stared at the floor before giving in. "I can't take it anymore. I lose."

Stewie jumped out from behind the couch. "HAH! You LOSE! Now only Peter and Cleveland left!"

"Okay, now, we should be able to help her out if we get some medicine to her soon…" Joe barked. Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire nodded, going through various drawers in the Griffin household.

Brian looked over at Stewie. "My love!"

Stewie's eyes widened and his brain grew distant. "Oh crap." Stewie began to run for his God-forsaken life, his toy gun flailing behind him. Brian tailed him until Stewie locked himself in the closet, where his potions were kept.

"There's only one way to fix this!" Stewie proclaimed, reaching for a certain potion and a certain pill and sticking them in his overalls' pocket.

A/N: Yep, the Pocky-loving, Family Guy-devoted, all-around crack-fiction specialist is back with a vengeance. I've been doing a LOT lately (mostly involving school, family tragedy, and an appendicitis scare), so I apologize for the lack of updates. I do wish to say thank you to the many people who called this story "one of the best in the Family Guy section". Do you have ANY IDEA what that means to me? I was flabbergasted when I read that!

A/N 2: Harmonia is an actual song. It's a Japanese song, however, and this is the English translation.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy or anything else I may have mentioned… I can't remember what else was in this…


	8. Seven

The Silent Game 

**Seven (or why things are beginning to come to a head)**

Well, well, well. It's down to Cleveland and Peter. Stewie's locked in a closet, Quagmire and Joe aren't succeeding in finding any kind of revival drug, Lois, Meg, Bonnie, and Loretta are watching over Cassie as she lies on the couch, breathing faintly, and Brian is lovelorn.

And Chris is STILL indifferent to anything, watching Speed Racer.

Lois looked down at Cassie. "Her face is red."

Meg rolled her eyes. "I wonder why…"

"That sounded really sarcastic," Bonnie noted.

"Because it was supposed to be," Loretta pointed out.

"Why was that sarcastic, though, Meg?" Lois asked.

"Because," Meg grimaced, "Cassie got it into her head that she's in love with Quagmire, and she probably fainted because he started clapping… either that or the fact that he was looking at her, I don't know…"

Lois cocked her head, Loretta was utterly clueless, and Bonnie shook her head.

"But I thought she was in love with Chris," Lois said.

"How come I never hear these things?" Meg asked in anger.

"She can't love him!" Bonnie frowned. "He's… er… older than her!"

"What's wrong with Quagmire?" Loretta wondered.

Meg stared at Loretta blankly, and Bonnie glared at her. Lois was still looking down at Cassie when Cleveland and Peter returned with Joe.

"Okay, these are the only things that we could find…" Joe admitted. "They probably won't work…"

"What's wrong with Quagmire?" Loretta asked again.

Peter shrugged. Joe ignored Loretta (actually, he was too absorbed in finding the right medicine).

"All right, here it is…" Joe finally stated, handing the small package to Lois. Lois looked at it.

"Um… this is non-drowsy Sudafed…" Lois told them. Peter blinked, not knowing what the problem was. Cleveland mouthed "Oh", and kept searching through the giant pile of mismatched medicine that was lying on the living room floor.

Suddenly, Cassie sat up.

"Um… what's going on?" Cassie asked, looking at Joe, Peter, and Cleveland, who were digging through the pile of medicine (and, now that I realize it, a lot of useless crap like old car keys, a broken cell phone, and a Conehead doll).

"Cassie, are you all right?" Lois asked, hugging the girl close to her.

"Yeah, fine…" Cassie sighed airily, her memory coming back to her in a wave. Meg slapped herself in the forehead.

"Okay, Cassie," Meg began to speak in a low, angered tone. Meg grabbed her shoulders and gripped them tightly, trying to drive home her point. "Listen. HE is twenty something…"

"Twenty-nine," Joe corrected.

"Okay, twenty-nine, we'll go with that," Meg tweaked her statement. "YOU, on the other hand, are SEVENTEEN."

"So that's twelve years ahead of her," Loretta did the math. "I still don't understand –"

"THAT'S WRONG, CASSIE!" Meg yelled at the top of her lungs. "Just WRONG!" Cassie blinked.

"Uh… what are you talking about?" Cassie inquired.

"Oh my God!" Meg cried. "I can't take it anymore!"

Peter was still digging through medicine, unaware that Cassie had awakened.

-

Quagmire was also slightly unaware of this. He had heard Meg yelling and decided to walk back into the living room. This took about two minutes.

Stewie was watching him, carrying the two items he had taken from the closet and his mind-control device. (The gun was long forgotten.) Stewie had come up with a highly lewd – yet entirely fool-proof – plan, and all he had to do was make sure he could get two people in a room together and a martini shaker out of the cabinet.

Stewie retrieved the shaker as he was tailing Quagmire, and walked straight into what must have been some sort of battlefield. Meg was on the verge of exploding, Cassie was clueless, Lois was staring at everyone, Bonnie was murmuring to herself, Joe was digging through a giant pile of stuff, Peter was now trying to medicate Meg, Loretta was glancing back and forth at everyone, Cleveland was trying to leave, Brian had just entered, and Chris was STILL watching Speed Racer. (Ah, repetition. I love it.)

Stewie quickly hid behind the couch, out of view, as Quagmire walked in.

"What's going on?" Quagmire asked.

All motion ceased. Everyone was now staring at Quagmire. Then pandemonium started.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Meg shrieked.

"Meg, stop!" Lois begged, grabbing the back of her shirt to stop her.

"Oh my God…" Cassie whispered, sitting on the couch and just staring at Quagmire.

"I'm lost," Brian asked. "Hey, anyone know where the martini shaker went? I can't find it."

"Okay, so this isn't even a medicine –" Joe noted.

"Go Speed Racer, Go!" Chris yelled, returning to the TV.

"Why are you so mad at Quagmire?" Loretta asked Meg, clutching her pregnant stomach.

"Oh Lord, this is NOT good…" Bonnie mused.

"YOU STUPID PLAYBOY -!"

"Meg, I swear to God -!"

"Ah…"

"What's wrong with you people?"

"Hey, Peter, I found your reservations to Cheesy Charlie's!"  
"Trixie, don't do it!"

"Will someone answer me?"

"Not good at all…"

"I WILL KILL YOU AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR -!"

"MEGAN GRIFFIN!"

"Um…"

"Why do you want to kill him?"  
"Hey, these reservations are for Season Two, not Season One…"

"Yeah Speed Racer!"

"Should I just give up?"

"This is getting worse by the minute…"

Stewie couldn't take it anymore. He jumped out from behind the couch and glared at everyone.

"SHUT UP, YOU STUPID INCOHERENT DULLARDS!" Stewie shrieked. Everyone now turned to him.

Quagmire frowned; obviously the most confused one of the bunch. "Um… why is everyone mad at me?"

"We aren't mad at you," Bonnie corrected. "Meg is mad at you. And Cassie is -!"

Meg covered Bonnie's mouth before she could finish her statement.

Stewie stared down at everyone; seething and tired of watching these infantile stupids live their lives like they were something out of some hackneyed TV sitcom.

"Why can't you all just SHUT UP for FIVE SECONDS!" Stewie screeched in a high-pitched version of his normal voice. "In case YOU haven't realized it, I have been TRYING to SLEEP! But apparently HER" (Stewie pointed at Cassie) "love life and HIS" (now Stewie pointed at Quagmire) "bed-hopping and HER" (Meg was now targeted) "anger and HER" (now it was Loretta) "cluelessness and all of your other trite problems CANNOT be overlooked for just ONE HOUR to allow the child you so fought to get back from Social Services to NAP!"

Stewie was red in the face by the time he was done yelling. Everyone was completely silent as Stewie jumped off of the couch, landed on the ground with a thud, and walked upstairs, giving one last lingering glare at them all.

Stewie hid behind a pillar. His plan had worked perfectly, and now all he had to do was wait for someone to speak first.

The person who spoke first was Meg.

"I'll go tuck him in," Meg offered. She began to trudge upstairs, and Stewie hid in his room, pretending like he didn't know how to get into his crib (as if).

Meg picked up Stewie and put him inside the crib, turning on a small mobile placed over it. The plush moon and stars began to rotate in a soothing motion, playing Brahms' Lullaby as it moved.

Stewie looked up at Meg with a soured look on his face. Meg sighed.

"Sorry, little buddy," Meg murmured, pulling a cover over Stewie's body and leaving his head exposed slightly. "It's just that… this day's been one of the weirdest I've ever lived through."

"I get it," Stewie answered, and, for once, he wasn't critical of the waif standing before him. He pretended to drift off, and Meg, satisfied that ONE good thing happened today, walked out of the room.

A/N: I'm back! Lock up your daughters and hide your booze! Just kidding… and to those of you who actually got that joke, congrats and I love you. This story only has one more chappie after this, so brace yourself!

DISCLAIMER: Ah, you know the drill, don't own Family Guy, no copyright infringement intended, yeah…


	9. Eight final

The Silent Game 

**Eight (or why the winner is…)**

"Part two of the plan…" Stewie whispered, sitting up in his crib a half-hour later. "Time for Cassie and Quagmire to resolve matters…"

Stewie leaped out of his crib, grabbing the pill-like thing in his pocket and sneaking downstairs. Cleveland and Peter, ever enthralled in the fifty-dollar prize of the Silent Game, were having a thumb war, while Joe and Quagmire looked on in interest.

"Five bucks on Cleveland," Joe said to Quagmire.

"You're on," Quagmire replied heatedly. Cleveland and Peter were clearly having the time of their lives acting like second-graders.

Stewie sneaked past them, past Lois, Bonnie, and Loretta talking about the feelings of Meg and Cassie, past Brian reading the New Yorker, past Chris and Cassie playing a stupid word game ("I'm thinking of a word… and it's not parsley. What is it?" "Is it parsley?"), and came to the kitchen, where Stewie saw a sink. (Wow, how was THAT for a run-on sentence?) Stewie, to make his phase two complete, needed some water. After all, was one supposed to dry-swallow a pill? Disgusting.

Stewie climbed up the sink with the aid of a barstool, grabbed a cup from a cupboard, and filled it with tap water (Quahog had the second-freshest tap water in the nation, right after some really small town in Kansas. Or that town in The Rookie, Stewie couldn't remember). Stewie carefully moved himself, the pill, and the glass of water up the stairs, placing all three objects on Meg's bedroom counter. So that was taken care of. All Stewie needed were the two victims.

Cassie would be easy to bribe. Just stick a comic book in front of her and make sure she followed it into Meg's room, and lock the door.

When the door was locked, Stewie told Cassie to take the pill.

"Why?" Cassie asked. "I don't have a headache or anything."

"It's a birth control pill," Stewie lied.

"You mean…"

Stewie nodded. "Good luck."

Stewie didn't leave until he saw that Cassie had taken the pill. Bingo, part one complete.

Quagmire wouldn't be much harder to bribe.

…

"Hey, do you want to know where my parents keep the videos that I can't watch?" Stewie asked Quagmire.

"Yeah," Quagmire giggled naughtily.

"Follow me."

So, as Quagmire was walking upstairs to see Cassie, Stewie stood outside the door. Quagmire had only one question for him.

"Is there a VCR in here?" Quagmire inquired.

"Of course, why would I drag you up here if there was no VCR?" Stewie stewed, rolling his eyes tepidly. He was rather good at lying.

As soon as Quagmire walked into Meg's room, he was slightly startled.

"Cassie?" Quagmire cocked his head. "What are you -?"

Cassie embraced Quagmire, kissing him tenderly. Quagmire gave in after five seconds, being the person that he is, and for a minute there was nothing more than kissing. Quagmire attempted to loosen the sleeve on her shirt, and thus start the usual.

Then Cassie suddenly backed away. A goofy look had replaced her crimson features, and suddenly she walked out the door and almost tripped down a step.

"Ha ha ha… wow that was a good one!" Cassie giggled hysterically. Quagmire looked down at Stewie and narrowed his eyes in confusion.

"Does she have the tapes?"

"Did my parents take them again?" Stewie pretended to be angered. "Dang."

-

Now for the martini shaker. It was about time for dinner, so Stewie made Brian a little pick-me-up laced with the vial of potion that he had placed in his pocket. Stewie gave it to Brian, who nearly kissed him for doing such a simple act of kindness.

When everybody sat down to dinner, Cassie was still acting crazy. When Brian took a sip of his martini, he began to act just as crazy as Cassie. In fact, the two began to play off of each other.

"Yeah, have you guys seen Into Thin Air?" Cassie asked between laughs. Cleveland and Peter, who were seated next to each other, shrugged, not knowing what was wrong.

"Wasn't that the one with the Siamese twins?" Brian inquired, giggling so hard that he could barely speak.

"Naw, that was Winx Club, silly!" Cassie laughed.

"Hah! Who cares?" Brian retorted loudly.

"You know what? The Home Shopping Network is showing that Jane Austen movie today!"

"Jane Austen! She's my favorite actress!"

"She's a costume designer, stupid!"

Stewie nodded. His plan had definitely worked.

Lois cocked her head. "Are those two all right?"

Quagmire looked to Stewie, who was smiling in such a maniacal way that it was hard NOT to notice it. "Are you okay, Stewie?"

Stewie frowned. _Thank you SO MUCH for interrupting my merriment…_

Meanwhile, Brian and Cassie had decided to sing something in a very tone-deaf and off-key manner.

"My loneliness is killing me… and I, I must confess, I still believe… still believe!" the two of them half-yelled, half-sang. "When I'm not with you, I lose my mind! Give me a siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiign… hit my baby one more -!"

Brian fell onto the table, unconscious. Cassie fell off of her chair and collapsed on the floor. Everyone was staring at them.

Cleveland and Peter definitely wanted to talk. Seriously, they wanted to ask them if they could take the tape they made of this (via Chris' very handy camcorder) and put it on a Vonage commercial.

Stewie smirked. _Yes! The simulated drunkenness potion worked amazingly! I think that this baby can hit the Internet now…_

Peter mimicked clearing his throat. Cleveland sighed.

"Should I… should I rub their noses in it?" they asked in unison, unaware of what they did. Joe dropped his fork. Stewie slapped his forehead. Quagmire murmured a noise of dissent.

"What?" Peter asked.

"It was a legitimate question," Cleveland added.

"We don't know the winner of the Silent Game now," Joe cried, banging his head against the table.

"We don't?" Peter repeated.

"Oh… did we say that at the same time?" Cleveland asked.

"Apparently," Peter answered.

"Well, um… this is slightly weird…"

"I'm glad it's over," Meg sighed. Lois nodded.

"But what about the fifty dollars?" Quagmire asked. "Should we just take back our bets? I could really use the ten bucks."

No one asked why.

"Who had the money, anyway?" Bonnie asked before her eyes dilated. "Oh no…!"

"What?" Chris asked.

"I'm… I'm having my baby!"  
"FINALLY!" Peter yelled.

"Damn it, Peter, just help her out of her chair!" Stewie shrieked.

"Where do we go?" Quagmire asked, completely unaware of what to do in this situation. "What should we do? What…?"

"Just stay here and make sure that Stewie doesn't do anything!" Lois insisted.

Bonnie looked up. "Just kidding!"

Peter was so shocked he dropped her. "What do you mean, just kidding?"

"LOL!" Chris laughed. He enjoyed the joke.

"About time to end the story, then?" Joe noted.

"Yes, I think so," Meg answered.

Cassie and Brian began to come around.

"Oh Lord, my head…" Cassie murmured. "What…?"

Cassie's memory came flooding back to her, and pretty soon, she had punched Quagmire.

"Pervert!" Cassie yelled at him.

Brian was awake too. "What…?"

Brian's memory soon came back to him, and Brian put a paw over his mouth and turned green. Brian went into the cabinet, took out some Ipecac, and drank it. This forced him to run to the bathroom and vomit.

"Time to end the story, then?" Cassie asked.

"What, we should end it just because you got your revenge on Quagmire, which you were supposed to get on Stewie?" Brian yelled from the bathroom before a retching sound was heard.

"What?" Cassie yelled.

"What?" Quagmire said.

"Okay, this is getting really old," Loretta observed.

"So who won the Silent Game?" Cassie asked.

"Um… nobody," Lois replied.

"Nobody? How is that possible?" Cassie then smiled. "So who gets the money…?"

"Who had the money, anyway?" Loretta asked.

"Hah!" Stewie said in triumph. "I have the money, and I can keep it now that you dullards managed to screw up something as stupid as the Silent Game!"

"Hey, can I take the money?" Quagmire asked Stewie. Stewie didn't answer, knowing perfectly WHY he needed the money.

"About time to end this, wouldn't you say?" Brian noted before he retched into the toilet again. "Because we really don't need a chapter of me barfing."

"See you next week… or something…" Chris sighed. "Hmm. Why would we see them next week?"

"Hah!" Peter said, holding the sixth Harry Potter book up. "I know that the Half-Blood Prince is -!"

Cleveland put a hand over his mouth and held up a simple sign:

The End

"Of course I'll be keeping the money," Stewie said in the background before someone jumped him. And now, I swear - it's really…

The End

A/N: Sorry about the delay. If you want to hear about what the hell happened to me, please go to my front page. I'm having some major issues right now…

A/N 2: If I ever get straightened out, my next Family Guy outing is called Road to Mexico, an odd little story about what happens when Meg and Stewie get kidnapped by a psychotic drug kingpin – and what Brian will do to save them.

DISCLAIMER: I SOOO don't own Family Guy. To the people who were suspicious as to if I work on the show, I do not. Sorry. But I hope to one day.


End file.
